Some thoughts on friends

My wife and I went out for dinner and drinks with some friends last night. Lynne used to work with one of them and still runs into him in their professional duties. They happen to live near us. Still, we hadn't been together since New Year's Eve.

There was no real reason for this except that we all had busy schedules. Time just got away from us.

That's a pity because we always have fun when we get together -- good food and companionship are in abundance.

While we were out and about, I ran into another old friend, who stopped and joined us for about a half hour. He, too, is a wonderful fellow who I got to know about 25 years ago when we were covering the same games. We see each other 3-4 times a year but we do correspond via email and Facebook.

The point of the above is that watching people's friendships can be interesting. My wife is very lucky. She has a group of friends she has known since she was very young. One group is from the neighborhood where she grew up. Another is from one of her first jobs. In both cases, she got to know these people as they were forming their lives. She was able to grow and adjust with them. I asked her if any of them had changed radically since she first knew them. The answer: no.

I envy her for having groups like that. But, as she points out, she has lived here all her life. Thus, it is easier to stay in contact with these people. (There are exceptions to this. One of the friends from that group moved out of town several years ago. But Lynne has managed to keep in contact with her and visits her in her city when she can.)

When you grow up in one town and go to school in another, it is not so easy to develop those kinds of close relationships. Most of the time, you are meeting people when their personality and traits are already developed. If you meet someone when they are, say, 25 or 35, their tendencies are fairly well in place. But you often don't know what those tendencies are. You find you learn them piece by piece ... as situations come up. You may think you know your new friend well but then they surprise you. For example, they may like a politician or a movie star you can't stand. They may have a social preference that is not the same as yours. If you had known this person all (or most) of your life, you would have already known this. When we catch up to them as adults, there are always a few missing elements. We find them out later.

That's not a bad thing at all. But it does serve as a reminder that friendships that are initiated when the two folks are adults are not and can never be the same as those developed when you are young. It doesn't mean they are better or worse. it just means they are different. In just about every case I know, it is almost impossible to have it develop as deeply as those friendships with people you have known most of your life. I leave to psychologists to tell us why for sure. All I know it is true.

C'est la vie. It just happens that all the friendships I have developed evolved in adulthood. They are wonderful people and I cherish each and every one of them. But I do so knowing that there is probably some aspect about that person that I simply don't know ... because the situation that would let me know that fact has never come up. I am willing to bet I have a friend out there who is deathly afraid of snakes or spiders. But I have never seen that person near one. So how would I know this?

As a result, you discover sometimes to your chagrin that some people just weren't who you thought they were. I can think of one personal case where a person who I thought was a friend made a promise that wasn't kept. It was a promise I was absolutely believed would happen. When it didn't, I was disappointed at myself more than that person. I hadn't done my homework diligently enough. I trusted that person. And I shouldn't have. I didn't know that person as well as I thought I did. This happened a while back. I have moved on but I will never, never forget it.

The flip side happens, too. People surprise the hell out of you with an act of friendship you didn't know they had in them. Those kind of moments are delightful.

In the end, what I am looking for in friends can be boiled down to one word: trust. Trust that I will always attempt to do right by and for you and that you will do the same for me. Trust that if you told me something in confidence, that I won't run home and tell someone the first chance I get. And vice versa.

It is easier to develop these kinds of relationships when you are very young. It does happen in adulthood, too. But not as often.

My goal for the rest of 2011 and beyond is to work on developing my friendships. I suspect I have (quite unintentionally) been slack in this department. It doesn't mean you have to see or talk with them every day or even every week. But it means you must pay attention to them and check in to make sure all is well.

I'm hoping it doesn't take six months for us to get together again for dinner and drinks. I had a ball last night ... and I think they did, too. The simple fact is, as we get older, we have to work a little harder on our friendships. Otherwise, we risk losing them or getting snookered. I didn't mean it so much when I was 8, 18 or even 28 years old. You can still recover quickly from whatever happens and move on. At age 58, however, it is a different story. And, frankly, life is difficult enough without having to deal with that kind of issue, too.